Mark Hendy

Mark Hendy is a writer and life commentator who is infamous for accidentally being funny. His website is also his name - http://markhendy.co.uk/.

Find him on Twitter - @mrkhndy

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I’d like to think that I would push my luck and ask for a glass of Malbec. But I would probably just have a cup of tea. I’ll just drink whatever you give me, it’s fine.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Right firstly I’d like to know more about how you became Emperor of the World. It’s a substantial role. I’m not suggesting you’re not up to it. I wouldn’t try to stop your cricket ban, I mean what can I do. I’d see people go on cricket marches, probably retweet them. Would that be ok? I just want an easy life.

If someone close to me enjoyed cricket and was now affected by the ban, I suppose that would have a knock-on effect for me and I would feel obliged to at least look like I cared.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I quite like gardening but I don’t like interacting with other people very much. So the job would be Gardener. And the catch would be that I had to interact with people in the garden. Nightmare.
 
4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Someone else will do it. In my mind that absolves me from any moral dilemma. I don’t think I have the phone number of anyone I hate either.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Hang on is this like a riddle? I have to guess who I am? Let’s consider that it’s not a riddle and just a question. In that case, I would say I would be MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO A BORDERLINE MESSY FART – MAN. By which I mean, that I would be able to point at someone and they would need to fart, but they wouldn’t know if they were able without defecating slightly.

I would use this sparingly, and on bad people. Such as nazi people, or thieves.
 
6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

I would go alone, and I would say that my sibling had died. I would aim to ruin the vibe of the party and then leave early.
 
7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

No way. Who on earth would say yes? It would be utterly rubbish.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I would kill myself.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

I would kill myself.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I like this idea. I guess you’re asking what’s my favourite book, film, and album? Although seeing as this may be viewed by other people, I do need to consider how my answers will be perceived. Actually I probably should have thought about this before I got to question ten.
 
Okay, let’s say The Diving Bell and the Butterfly for the book, because it’s just such an astonishing feat. Any film is fine really. And any Boards of Canada album, because I really like Boards of Canada.