Dan Warden

Dan Warden is a media assistant at a publishing company and fishing enthusiast meaning he always has some kind of stick in his hand.

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose? 

I'll have to be 'that guy' and say 'coffee - I live on that stuff.' I drink copious amounts of tea when I'm fishing, but day to day, I'm afraid to say, I rely on an unhealthy amount of bean-juice!

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of the sport, although it tickled me to hear one of my friends repeat an absolutely cracking piece of Aussie cricket commentary: "That one's got an air hostess on it!"

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

The job would have to be working for an Angling publication and, while I'm not fussy on the discipline, carp fishing is my passion, so something like Total Carp or Carp Monthly would be bang on! I'd say the catch (wonderful pun, thanks to the question!) would be either moving from Cornwall or being so busy writing about it that I'd have no time to actually fish.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

I don't think I know anyone that I hate that much to knowingly leave them to die. Saying that, people who stop at seemingly random intervals on a busy pavement are asking to be left behind..

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Manatee (my nickname) - the wallowing old sea cow who'll probably wind up scalped by a power boat.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Father Time (Apparently I've the speed, attitude and all-round bearing of an old man).

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

I think I probably would, yeah, but I don't know what I'd bring to the team on such a huge expedition.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

Good lord, no appealing? Perhaps The Island, but still, what I'd bring to the team remains a mystery.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Carping in the sun with my partner, and I'd be happy with soup and a massive tiger baguette for dinner.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

The book would be Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood (and the following two, if that's possible). The film - the first Spongebob Squarepants movie. For the album, a photo album of all my captures along with seasonal pictures of the different lakes that I fish in Cornwall. Is that allowed?

A little self indulgent but we'll allow it - Ed.

Kent Tayler

Kent Tayler is a cartoonist and family man who has had work published in Viz, Private Eye and Prospect magazines. His most notable work to date, however, are the illustrations in the epic high seas adventure, "Natalie's Fiendish New Headteacher" which is available to buy at Amazon and Waterstones.

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose? 

Tea, white, no sugar. And a massive pack of chocolate Hobnobs.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Personally, I couldn’t care less. But I do have friends who adore cricket, so I’d feel bad for them.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

To get paid to draw forever, but my drawing hand would need daily injections to work properly. I’m terrified of injections.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Just one person? I have a list. And can I set up webcams to see their reactions when I phone them?

The answer to this, just for you, is yes.

Definitely yes. And I still have a list.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Dance Man! With the power to move and groove like Bobby Farrell from Boney M. And there’s no mediocre side to that I can actually think of.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

I’ve been told I look like Louis Theroux, Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters and silent film star Harold Lloyd. I’d bring one of them and if the party was bloody awful, I could do a runner and they’d take my place with no-one the wiser.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

What, and miss making the traditional Saturday night enchiladas and cheesy nachos with my daughter? Absolutely not!

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I’m A Celeb, no question. We love that programme in our house. It’s the only reality t.v show we watch - the rest can jump in a lake (especially that Kardashian one).  

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

A long family walk in the woods with the dog. Back for lots of tea, hot buttered toast and biscuits. A fat Sunday roast. A kip. Then a massive film binge whilst sprawled out on the sofa with the good lady and a ton of munchies. Then, before sleep, I’d actually finish reading one of the many books I’ve accumulated on the bedside table.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Blimey! Okay. I’d say The Dark Knight Returns (comic books count, right?), Aussie eco-horror “Long Weekend” (the 1978 original, not the remake) and “Dare” by The Human League.  

Laura Evans, The St Ives Mermaid

Laura Evans a.k.a. The St Ives Mermaid is an actual mermaid. What more do you want? Over summer you can see her appearing across Cornwall and her videos are pretty amazing, too.

Find her on Twitter - @StIvesMermaid

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose? 

Tea. Builders. No sugar.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Despite being on the cricket team when I was in primary school I, at the risk of offending and distressing many people, would feel shocked but mostly ambivalent about your decision.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I'd have my own crochet studio but despite my best efforts it would always be inhabited by terrifyingly huge spiders.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

I would get a message to them via a mutual connection.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Fat girl in a tail (favourite heckle during one of my mermaid appearances).

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Bubbles (think Absolutely Fabulous).

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Funnily enough this was a recent discussion between my other half and I after watching The Martian. I'm keen to either keep my feet on the ground or deep in the ocean... I do not crave flight. Plus, I'm not keen on Mars (the chocolate bar).

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

RuPaul's Drag Race.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

A lie in, the cold side of a pillow, open window, birds chirping, afternoon sea swim, obscenely large roast dinner, evening of crochet, interesting television and a book in bed before sleep.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

The Night Watch, Fifth Element & The Minutes (Alison Moyet).

Tony Cowards

Tony Cowards is a comedian, presenter and award winning writer who specialises in puns.

Find him on Twitter - @TonyCowards

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Tea. Plain old English breakfast tea (as the Americans would call it). I was raised on tea and drink far too much of it.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

I'd be upset as I love listening to Test Match Special on the radio, especially on long drives.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Professional footballer but I'd have to play for Norwich City (I'm an Ipswich Town fan).

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Unfortunately I don't have Piers Morgan's number...

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

IronMan, with the ability to remove all the creases from fresh laundry.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

I've been heckled by people telling me that I look like a normal sized Stephen Merchant, so maybe he could come along as my big brother.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Yes, as long as I didn't have to grow potatoes in my own poo like Matt Damon.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

The Apprentice. There's no way I could do any worse than the numpties they have on there.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Walk my dog somewhere with a nice lake or river, then stop and have a Sunday roast at a pub with friends.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Well the first is a collection of paper with words and pictures in it... Oh I see what you mean... "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, "When Harry Met Sally" and "The Bends" by Radiohead

Julia Hughes

Julia Hughes is an author and ultra active book promoter. Her series are available on Amazon.

Find her on Twitter - @tinksaid

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose? 

Tea, Indian style.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this? 

Amused. Good luck with that one.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch? 

A high class chocolatier, but develop an allergy to cocoa.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them? 

Oh yes. I presume they hate me right back, or at least find me irritating. Now I’ve saved their life and they owe me big time. Sweet.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you? 

Wasp whisperer. Actually, that’s probably not as mediocre as it first seems.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling? 

The local undertaker. I’d want to die after about five minutes in the above company.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige? 

No. Tink literally climbs walls in my absence. There’s a couple of humans who need me, too.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do? 

I’d choose a cookery show and probably go out in the first round.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do? 

Walk the dogs to the local pub for lunch. Afterwards go sea kayaking with a barbeque on the beach, and a laid back game of tip and run. That, by the way, is the new name for cricket.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Thank you, and Happy Christmas. Aesop’s Fables, illustrated by Arthur Rackham, Cloud Atlas, and Bowie’s Hunky Dory album.

Sarah McQuaid

Sarah McQuaid is a singer-songwriter, guitarist and author of The Irish DADGAD Guitar Book who will be touring this April.

Find her on Twitter - @sarahmcquaid

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Coffee, black, no sugar. But it has to be good coffee. The trouble with drinking one's coffee black with no sugar is that if it's not good it's completely undrinkable.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

I'm not a cricket fan, but I'm very cross with you for using your absolute power to ban something as harmless as cricket. Surely you can do better than that!

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I kind of feel like I have the perfect job right now, in that I'm my own boss and I'm doing what I love. The catch is that I have to try to think of clever, humorous answers for questionnaires like this one! Arrrghh!

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Can I email to warn them instead? Or text, even. I really, really, really hate making phone calls.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Sock-Pairing-Woman! I can sort out a tangle of socks in under two minutes, even if they're all black.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

People keep telling me I look like Carly Simon. I can't see the resemblance myself, but she's a brilliant singer and songwriter and I'd like to meet her anyway, so what the heck.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. 
Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Hell, no. I find flights hard enough to cope with, whatever about space travel.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

We got rid of our television back in 2003, so I'm kind of out of touch with the whole reality TV thing. However, I've just gone on Wikipedia to read up about the subject and I see that there's an Australian programme called "Renovation Rescue" in which a team of tradespeople shows up at your house and renovates it in two days. That sounds ok to me.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

When I'm not away on tour, I normally spend my Sundays rushing around trying to get stuff done that I've been putting off all week to do on Sunday. Sometimes I think it would be nice to spend the day lying on the sofa, reading and listening to music instead. But I've never actually tried doing that, so maybe I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I think I would.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Gosh. That's a tough one. I take it this means I get the same book, film and album every week? So they have to be ones I'd want to read/see/listen to again and again. In which case let's make the book "The Wind In The Willows", the film "This Is Spinal Tap" and the album Joni Mitchell's "Blue".

Mark Hendy

Mark Hendy is a writer and life commentator who is infamous for accidentally being funny. His website is also his name - http://markhendy.co.uk/.

Find him on Twitter - @mrkhndy

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I’d like to think that I would push my luck and ask for a glass of Malbec. But I would probably just have a cup of tea. I’ll just drink whatever you give me, it’s fine.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Right firstly I’d like to know more about how you became Emperor of the World. It’s a substantial role. I’m not suggesting you’re not up to it. I wouldn’t try to stop your cricket ban, I mean what can I do. I’d see people go on cricket marches, probably retweet them. Would that be ok? I just want an easy life.

If someone close to me enjoyed cricket and was now affected by the ban, I suppose that would have a knock-on effect for me and I would feel obliged to at least look like I cared.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I quite like gardening but I don’t like interacting with other people very much. So the job would be Gardener. And the catch would be that I had to interact with people in the garden. Nightmare.
 
4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Someone else will do it. In my mind that absolves me from any moral dilemma. I don’t think I have the phone number of anyone I hate either.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Hang on is this like a riddle? I have to guess who I am? Let’s consider that it’s not a riddle and just a question. In that case, I would say I would be MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO A BORDERLINE MESSY FART – MAN. By which I mean, that I would be able to point at someone and they would need to fart, but they wouldn’t know if they were able without defecating slightly.

I would use this sparingly, and on bad people. Such as nazi people, or thieves.
 
6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

I would go alone, and I would say that my sibling had died. I would aim to ruin the vibe of the party and then leave early.
 
7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

No way. Who on earth would say yes? It would be utterly rubbish.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I would kill myself.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

I would kill myself.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I like this idea. I guess you’re asking what’s my favourite book, film, and album? Although seeing as this may be viewed by other people, I do need to consider how my answers will be perceived. Actually I probably should have thought about this before I got to question ten.
 
Okay, let’s say The Diving Bell and the Butterfly for the book, because it’s just such an astonishing feat. Any film is fine really. And any Boards of Canada album, because I really like Boards of Canada.

Ewen Macintosh

Ewen Macintosh is an actor, voiceover artist and comedian who has regularly appeared on the Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure.

Find him on Twitter - @ewenmacintosh

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose? 

A coffee like they do them in greasy spoons where they seem to stay hot forever.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Very very upset. I may never speak to you again

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Restaurant critic but I have had my tastebuds removed.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

I would write a letter warning them and deliver it with Yodel.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Dynamo

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Peter Hitchens

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Only if I get to fly business class.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

An amazing Korean one called 'The Genius'

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Have a great roast dinner and talk about great cricket matches of yore.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

The Viz Annual, Die Hard and Bat Out Of Hell

Tim from The Big Green Bookshop

The Big Green Bookshop is made up of Simon, internationally recognised news icon and Piers Morgan botherer, and Tim, known as “The Other One” or "Ortim" (as in “Is that Simon Ortim?) or “The Old One” or “The One With The Beard”, although they both have beards.

Find The Big Green Bookshop on Twitter - @Biggreenbooks

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Tea – no, Hot chocolate – no, Tea.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

I feel like a cup of tea.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Porn star, but I’d have to lose an inch off my penis

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Why would I have their phone number?

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Tim, how-do-you-do? My thumbs bend backwards. (This is actually true. My thumbs do bend backwards)

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Dara O’Briain. We don’t look anything like each other.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

YES.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I’m a celebrity, get me out of here. Free trip to Australia, then complain about everything. Pretend to be stressed on day 1. Spend rest of the time in a hotel.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Sleep. Read. Eat. Play PC RGP game. Eat. Drink. Sleep. All while avoiding any human contact.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Hopefully, a surprise. Or a rich chap’s cheque book. Cling. Stamp.

Katherine Trill

Katherine Trill is a self-confessed human and a therapeutic parent who owns books, as well as being a secret promoter on the side.

Find her on Twitter - @KittyTrill

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Tea. Made in a pot using a strong tea leaf like Nilgiri then served with lots of milk and a pinch of sugar.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Personally Meh, but I know people for whom this would be dreadful and I would side with them in any protest.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Reading assistant in a primary school but if any one throws up I have to clean it up. Shudder.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Yes. If we want to change the actions of others to be better people, we must lead by example.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

The Catalogue Queen. I can sort out any files in a whizz.
Actually I could probably make a fortune from that so not that mediocre for me personally.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Ewan MacGregor. The guy has done so much with his life that he would be a delight to talk with. And he could find a way to make time with that group enjoyable.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Nope. I am the most risk average person I know.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

Strictly come dancing cos it would encourage me to get in shape and I would love to learn some dance moves. Boring answer I know.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Go to a spa. Have a full body deep tissue massage. Then a hot salt bath while watching boxsets.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I have about 100 books already I haven't read yet but having really enjoyed the first Raymond Chandler book it would be one from his series.
I would like to see August Ossage county if I've spelled that right. All star cast so it looks good.
I'm a secret dance music fan and I don't yet own any Sia albums so whichever is her latest.

Sean Campbell

Sean Campbell is one half of the writing team responsible for the DCI Morton series of novels, the other being his brother Dan. The books are available at http://dcimorton.com.

Find him on Twitter - @DCIMorton

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I’m on a peppermint tea kick at the moment. I hadn’t tried it before Christmas, and got given some of Lidl’s ‘Deluxe’ peppermint tea. It’s sweet enough to make me forget I’m cutting down on the desserts.
Other than that it’s usually coffee. Strong, black, and with the occasional shot of whisky.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

How very dare you! My parent’s local pub, the Bat and Ball, is right opposite the Cradle of Cricket on Broadhalfpenny Down, and my old man would be most upset. On the plus side we’d forever hold the Ashes.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I’m self-employed, and have been for pretty much all my adult life, so for me the catch would be losing that independence no matter which job I was offered.

Underwater photography of big fish would be amazing. Knowing my luck, I’d end up getting eaten by a Great White.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Why would I have someone’s number if I hate them? I’m afraid I’d have long since deleted it. Tough luck.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I’m Guinness-drinking-man. I can finish a pint in under five seconds… as long as you’re buying. And yes, I actually can do this.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Can I bring Taylor Swift? She loves crime drama (her cat is named after Olivia Benson from Law and Order SVU). On second thoughts I’d be the second best looking Sean she’s met. That Sean O’Pry guy from the Blank Space music video clearly has me beat.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

A year? Jesus, rocket technology has come along quick. I’d have thought we’d take a little longer than that to get to Mars and back.
I’d have to stay here, as boring as that is. I have responsibilities that I couldn’t skip for a week, let alone a year.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I’m not making any promises about actually doing the challenges, but I’d love the week in the Versace after inevitably being the first one evicted.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

I’d have a long lie-in, breakfast in bed, and then go find something exciting to do. I like to do something new as often as I can. I wouldn’t say no to a cheeky pint, or a dram of Scotch and a fancy meal either.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Book – A is for Arsenic: The Poisons of Agatha Christie. Things have moved on a bit since Agatha’s day, but she was brilliant at using topical murder methods (especially strychnine which she uses three times). That attention to detail is one of the things I love about her.
Film – Groundhog Day. I never know if this is really the story of a man who learns and betters himself until he escapes the repetition. I hope it is. But a dark part of me thinks that Phil Connors just might be a sociopath who realises that the way to escape is to complete the perfect day, whether or not his intentions behind that perfect day are honest and true or not. Anything with that sort of wheels-within-wheels logic fascinates me.
Album – Lukas Graham.

Tiernan Douieb

Tiernan Douieb is a stand up comedian specialising in politics (@parpolbro) and kids (@comedyclub4kids) though not necessarily at the same time.

Find him on Twitter - @TiernanDouieb

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I would normally pick tea but I think I'd go for a cold beverage just to prove a point. I'm not sure what point, but there's definitely one there somewhere. 

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Brilliant. I hope red trousers are next. Then Piers Morgan. 

  

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I'd like to push the T-detonator on a ton of disused buildings. Not sure why, but have always fancied having a go. But I bet the catch would be that I also have to clear up afterwards and they only give me a dustpan and brush. 

  

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Yes. But not so they have enough time to escape, only so they have enough time to know why their face is melting and they've grown insect arms on their knees. 

  

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I'm me. I have the mediocre power of making a bus appear at my local bus stop whenever I get there. It honestly doesn't matter what time, one always arrive within a minute of me waiting. Which seems pretty good, but it just means I'm early and bored a lot of the time. 

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Trevor McDonald. Then we'd both insist we're twins but refuse to answer any questions about it. 

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

No I'm not keen on Mars. I think I'd give up my ticket to charity and by charity, I mean a reality show whereby the public vote for the worst person on Earth and we send them to Mars with the ticket instead. Then every time they try and return we explain that there are leaves on the tracks so they'd have to get a replacement bus service, leaving them stranded. 

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I'd totally do Strictly. But I'd just try to moonwalk (which I can't do) every episode. And that's it. Every single episode. 

  

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Practice my moonwalk just in case. 

  

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

The album would be James Brown's Funky Christmas, because if I have to endure Xmas every week at your house, I may as well enjoy the music. The book is The Road because no matter how awful the world is, Cormac McCarthy's book makes you realise it could be worse. Film - The Girl With All The Gifts, because I haven't seen it yet and I've heard it's great, so if I got that as a present, I might actually watch it. 

Julia Gibbs

Julia Gibbs is a professional proofreader and copy editor who regularly blogs about bringing articles and projects up to scratch.

Find her on Twitter - @ProofreadJulia

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Tea, as I am an Englishwoman and therefore contractually obliged to maintain the traditions of my country!

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

My 87-year-old dad is a member of the MCC, and attending Test Matches at Lords is the highlight of his year. So you’re not taking that away from my dad, you heartless fascist, I’ll have to stage a coup d’état!

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I tried to find a funny answer for this, but I couldn’t. Then I thought – I can just tell you the truth! To my mind, I have the perfect job. I work from home, proofreading and copy editing, and this is perfect for me. I always wanted to be able to read most of the time. The only catch is that I’m always very busy and have to make time to read for pleasure, and that’s the truth.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

No, I don’t – end of, no moral quandaries here!

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I am the supreme organiser of all travel arrangements, to the point of making lists to tick off ‘to do’ and packing items. Some people laugh at me and try to imply that I can’t understand what it’s like to be a free spirit – mind you, I’m not the person who left their travel tickets on the sideboard!

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Stephen Fry, because I think we were separated at birth. No, I’m not a fat gay bloke in his late 50s, but I heard him say in an interview that he spent his teens holed up reading PG Wodehouse, as did I. Doesn’t get you any friends, but it gets you one hell of a head start on the English language. Either that, or I’d bring Tom Hiddleston under the pretence that he’s my fraternal twin, then I’d get him drunk and take him back to my place.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

No thank you, it sounds too much like hard work, and I don’t like the outfits.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – partly because I really do like the outfits, but also because I’d like to experience the life for a week or so, and then, sick of excess, tick them off straight about being such self-centred two-faced harridans who don’t realise how much good they could do with their money instead of moaning about their neighbours!

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Well, I’m going to need my team of stylists to come round for a couple of hours before Tom Hiddleston arrives to take me out for lunch, naturally. Then lunch, somewhere warm where we can sit outside on the terrace. The story of the rest of the day is not suitable for mixed company!

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Book – the complete short stories of Somerset Maugham, which I’ve been reading on and off since my teens. Try it, you’ll love it, all human life is there. Film – after much thought, Mr Skeffington starring Bette Davis, a classic tale of redemption that gets to me every time. And album – Aerosmith’s greatest hits, they’re my favourite band in the world, and here’s a pic of me with them!

James Cherry

James Cherry is a resident DJ at Coast FM in Cornwall and introduces the biggest new releases on a Friday night from 6pm.

Find him on Twitter - @jamescherryuk

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I don’t drink any hot beverages I simply choose not to - why? To quote a great man "whats life without whimsy” - Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Just fine, although would there then become a surplus of cucumber sandwiches? A Victoria sponge? Cucmbers I care not about but theres no excuse to waste cake.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Kelly Brook's chief body oil application technician, catch is I hate feet, not gunna touch those hooves and that might be the deal breaker for her as she loves a good foot massage

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Yes, one love. Although how much warning I give them is another matter.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I am captain corn snack ridding the world of crisps…especially those kettle ones that destroy the roof of innocent peoples mouths

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Keith Chegwin, the man, the legend.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

In a heartbeat, Matt Damon coped just fine, and I love potatoes, I’m a vegetarian.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

Genuinely never watched one, however there is one that means I get to go back to Cheryl Coles house if i get through to boot camp, thats all I need to start work

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Dress in terry towelling, freshly laundered, go to cat island in japan, find some soft grass and get covered in cats

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Merry Christmas :)

- Book: The Tiger that came to tea
- Film: Batman (1989)
- Album: Neneh Cherry - Raw Like Sushi

Helen Rule

Helen Rule is primarily an actress and voice-over artist, although her talents with sign language make her ultra employable. Her CV is available to view at https://www.spotlight.com/interactive/cv/9572-7868-2350.

Find her on Twitter - @TheDelovely

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Coffee obviously! Good strong Arabica stuff.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Cricket is fairly dull sport in my own personal opinion and I avoid it so I probably wouldn’t notice!! I’m female so don’t be offended.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Ice skater. However my sense of balance these days is DREADFUL. My bum would be black and blue. Sigh.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

No. Does that sound horrible? Good, don’t care!!

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Stuffing duvet into duvet cover in under 30 seconds Girl. If that’s not a mediocre superpower I dunno what is!

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Cyndi Lauper. Hee hee I love her. I’m trapped in the 80’s.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Absolutely not!! That’s a man thing, space stuff.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

Oh gawwd. I hate reality shows. Definitely not the jungle one! And they film you on the toilet in Big Brother don’t they?? Does Gogglebox count? I’d do Gogglebox . I’d be brilliant, I hate 90% of TV.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Lie in till midday, a nice roast. Have a nap. Nice walk on the beach. Have another nap. Then go to bed.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Book: The Understudy by David Nicholls, its freaking hilarious. Film: Withnail and I. Again too funny. Album: Now That’s What Call Christmas! No, I’m joking. Californication, the Chili Peppers greatest ever comeback album.

Dayve Blyth

Dayve Blyth is a musician who records EPs in the same way Dave Grohl did - by playing every instrument in the room. His music is available from Vellison9.co.uk.

Find him on Twitter - @ThePsyentistUK and @Vellison9

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Probably good ol' tea, British standard (milk & two), unless it's after 8pm, then I'd go a Lumumba (rum/brandy with chocolate milk, hot or cold, hot in this instance).

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

I couldn't care less about cricket. I honestly don't see the attraction. Lots of crotch rubbing & Adam Ant style stripes across the nose, ner, I'll pass.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I'm a guitarist in well off band, but I constantly snap strings when attempting a solo.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Ner, I invest in a telescope & some popcorn & watch their skin peel off.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I am Bratman, with the ability to upset children everywhere I go.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

With that line up? Probably Leatherface, or Jack The Ripper.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

Probably not, I've seen Total Recall, it looks crap up there.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

X Factor. I wouldn't sing though, I'd go purely to hurl abuse at the panel of so called "judges".

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Get up late, get a carvery for lunch, lazy afternoon, simple tea, sandwiches & cake probably, night in front of the TV with something decent on, few lager-beers.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I'm well aware of your love of Christmas from your Twitter account of late. [I was Terry Christmas at the time.]

Anyway, the book, it's 'A Book Of Dreams' by Peter Reich, an awesome, crazy, hazy read, it's also the book Kate Bush based the song 'Cloudbusting' on. I own a 1st edition bought for me by my brother James (the other half of V9, as you know) when I had a real obsession with that song.

The film would have to be 'Ghostbusters', the original one, I've not seen the recent remake. It's deeply ingrained in my childhood, it had me hooked from that 1st scene in the library.

As for the album, it's going to be 'Something To Write Home About' by The Get Up Kids, I've listened to this album on loop for the last few month, it quickly earned its place as one of my favourite albums.

Stevyn Colgan

Stevyn Colgan is an author, illustrator and speaker who also spends time as a QI elf. His first novel, 'A Murder To Die For', will be available through Unbound soon.

Find him on Twitter - @stevyncolgan

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Fortnum and Mason loose leaf Earl Grey tea. Hot. Black. No sugar. China cup.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Stumped. Why Man, why? All the bad shit in the world and you ban the most civilised sport of them all? When the revolution comes you’ll be the first to get a googly in the goolies.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I get to go into space as writer in residence aboard the International Space Station. But Richard Hammond is my pilot.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Definitely. Afterwards.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I am The Incredible Bagman with the ability to never forget to take my bags for life with me whenever I go to the supermarket. Never again will I suffer the threat of having to carry milk home in a 5p flimsy.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Hollywood star Monty Woolley because we look remarkably similar. The big differences between us are [a] he’s been nominated for an Oscar and I haven’t, [b] he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and I don’t, and [c} he’s dead.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I watched the Moon landings. And we were all told we’d be going to the Moon on holiday by the year 2000. I feel cheated. Hell yes I’d go to Mars. As long as Richard Hammond isn’t driving.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

There are very few reality shows that I like. There are a lot that I detest. But, if pressed, I would do Masterchef because I’d love to cook for Greg Wallace. You’ll be amazed at how creative I can be with laxatives.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Watch an old comedy film, roast lamb and all the trimmings, a decent ale in a lovely village pub, nap on the sofa, go at it hammer and tongs with the Dagenham Girl Pipers, wake up disappointed, cry for a bit.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I guess you’re asking about favourites? It’s almost impossible to pin it down to one of each. So I’ll pick three from my list of favourites. My book is ‘Last Chance To See’ by Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine. My movie is Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil’. And my album is ‘Skylarking’ by XTC.

Burning Questions

Every week I'll be asking a new person the same ten questions and finding what makes people tick. Here are the questions.

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?