Tim from The Big Green Bookshop

The Big Green Bookshop is made up of Simon, internationally recognised news icon and Piers Morgan botherer, and Tim, known as “The Other One” or "Ortim" (as in “Is that Simon Ortim?) or “The Old One” or “The One With The Beard”, although they both have beards.

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1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Tea – no, Hot chocolate – no, Tea.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

I feel like a cup of tea.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

Porn star, but I’d have to lose an inch off my penis

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Why would I have their phone number?

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

Tim, how-do-you-do? My thumbs bend backwards. (This is actually true. My thumbs do bend backwards)

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Dara O’Briain. We don’t look anything like each other.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

YES.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I’m a celebrity, get me out of here. Free trip to Australia, then complain about everything. Pretend to be stressed on day 1. Spend rest of the time in a hotel.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Sleep. Read. Eat. Play PC RGP game. Eat. Drink. Sleep. All while avoiding any human contact.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

Hopefully, a surprise. Or a rich chap’s cheque book. Cling. Stamp.