Tiernan Douieb

Tiernan Douieb is a stand up comedian specialising in politics (@parpolbro) and kids (@comedyclub4kids) though not necessarily at the same time.

Find him on Twitter - @TiernanDouieb

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

I would normally pick tea but I think I'd go for a cold beverage just to prove a point. I'm not sure what point, but there's definitely one there somewhere. 

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Brilliant. I hope red trousers are next. Then Piers Morgan. 

  

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I'd like to push the T-detonator on a ton of disused buildings. Not sure why, but have always fancied having a go. But I bet the catch would be that I also have to clear up afterwards and they only give me a dustpan and brush. 

  

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Yes. But not so they have enough time to escape, only so they have enough time to know why their face is melting and they've grown insect arms on their knees. 

  

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I'm me. I have the mediocre power of making a bus appear at my local bus stop whenever I get there. It honestly doesn't matter what time, one always arrive within a minute of me waiting. Which seems pretty good, but it just means I'm early and bored a lot of the time. 

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Trevor McDonald. Then we'd both insist we're twins but refuse to answer any questions about it. 

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

No I'm not keen on Mars. I think I'd give up my ticket to charity and by charity, I mean a reality show whereby the public vote for the worst person on Earth and we send them to Mars with the ticket instead. Then every time they try and return we explain that there are leaves on the tracks so they'd have to get a replacement bus service, leaving them stranded. 

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

I'd totally do Strictly. But I'd just try to moonwalk (which I can't do) every episode. And that's it. Every single episode. 

  

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Practice my moonwalk just in case. 

  

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

The album would be James Brown's Funky Christmas, because if I have to endure Xmas every week at your house, I may as well enjoy the music. The book is The Road because no matter how awful the world is, Cormac McCarthy's book makes you realise it could be worse. Film - The Girl With All The Gifts, because I haven't seen it yet and I've heard it's great, so if I got that as a present, I might actually watch it.