Stevyn Colgan

Stevyn Colgan is an author, illustrator and speaker who also spends time as a QI elf. His first novel, 'A Murder To Die For', will be available through Unbound soon.

Find him on Twitter - @stevyncolgan

1. You make it round to my house. I have every hot beverage in the known world on offer. What do you choose?

Fortnum and Mason loose leaf Earl Grey tea. Hot. Black. No sugar. China cup.

2. I’ve been made the Emperor of the world. The first thing I do is ban cricket. How do you feel about this?

Stumped. Why Man, why? All the bad shit in the world and you ban the most civilised sport of them all? When the revolution comes you’ll be the first to get a googly in the goolies.

3. You’re offered the perfect job but there’s a big catch – for instance, I’d like to star in a Hollywood film but I’d have to do plenty of underwater shots. What’s the job and what’s the catch?

I get to go into space as writer in residence aboard the International Space Station. But Richard Hammond is my pilot.

4. The person you hate the most is living in an area that’s about to be affected by nuclear fallout. Do you phone to warn them?

Definitely. Afterwards.

5. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately you’ve been born with mediocre superpowers. Who are you?

I am The Incredible Bagman with the ability to never forget to take my bags for life with me whenever I go to the supermarket. Never again will I suffer the threat of having to carry milk home in a 5p flimsy.

6. It’s celebrity party time. On the guest list are Jedward, the Cheeky Girls and the Chuckle brothers. Who do you invite to be your pseudo-sibling?

Hollywood star Monty Woolley because we look remarkably similar. The big differences between us are [a] he’s been nominated for an Oscar and I haven’t, [b] he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and I don’t, and [c} he’s dead.

7. An invitation comes through from NASA; you’ve got the chance to be the first person on Mars. Would you take a year away from everyone and everything to oblige?

I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I watched the Moon landings. And we were all told we’d be going to the Moon on holiday by the year 2000. I feel cheated. Hell yes I’d go to Mars. As long as Richard Hammond isn’t driving.

8. There’s no appealing, you have to do a reality TV show. Which one would you do?

There are very few reality shows that I like. There are a lot that I detest. But, if pressed, I would do Masterchef because I’d love to cook for Greg Wallace. You’ll be amazed at how creative I can be with laxatives.

9. You’re given the chance of a perfect Sunday. Bearing in mind cricket is banned, what do you do?

Watch an old comedy film, roast lamb and all the trimmings, a decent ale in a lovely village pub, nap on the sofa, go at it hammer and tongs with the Dagenham Girl Pipers, wake up disappointed, cry for a bit.

10. In my house it’s Christmas every week. You’re given a book, a film and an album. What are they?

I guess you’re asking about favourites? It’s almost impossible to pin it down to one of each. So I’ll pick three from my list of favourites. My book is ‘Last Chance To See’ by Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine. My movie is Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil’. And my album is ‘Skylarking’ by XTC.